Priorities, priorities, priorities…

I started this Blog as a method of opening myself up to scrutiny. I wasn't really doing it for other people, though; I figured some of the information would spark conversations among others about themselves and me. However, I wanted to really take a reflective look at who I am. What makes me tick? Why do I do the things that I do? Irrationally, I thought I had all of the answers. I thought I knew all about myself. Yea, right! Forgive my frankness, but I didn't know shit! Well, what has come to pass is I have learned more about myself now, than I ever knew. I have learned that I am still learning- and subsequently, growing.

Recently, as many folks who know me knows, I lost my grandmother. By recently, I mean last Thursday. It is hard. Really hard….But there is a silver lining here. Now stop, before anyone decided to think crazily. I am, in no way, happy about losing my Gmaw. I am heartbroken. Still, I am happy about a realization that her passing led me to attain. Let me explain...

Wednesday night, I was stressed out! I had two assignments due that very night. I am a teacher, and grades needed to be posted. My son was having trouble and I needed to work with him on his Math homework; and I still had to do laundry, cook and clean my bathroom (it was really, really in need of cleaning). In short, life happened. Well, Wednesday night was also my regularly scheduled time to call my grandmother. We had weekly phone calls, just to check in. I didn't make the phone call.

When Thursday came, I was a chaperon on an awesome field trip. I was so excited that I left my phone- and other essentials- in my car. You can get a sense of what happened next. Everyone in the history of my life was trying to get a hold me. Ok, maybe this was an exaggeration, but you can get a clearer picture of what was going on. My grandmother had passed.

Here it is, I like everyone else, believed that I could call my grandmother on the next day. I had time. Family would be there. But the trouble is this isn’t a true statement. In fact, it is not only an incorrect statement, but it is an absurd statement to make. I won’t go into the whole, do what you can do today speech. I will say this: don’t ever do what I did, and make family an afterthought. Family is first, should forever be first, and needs to be priority.

I will confess; I am a workaholic. I dive into work so that I don’t have to face emotions. I dive into work so that family won’t bother me. Today, I am no longer a workaholic. Today, I am a family member. For the first time in my life, work, grades, homework, everything else is secondary to my family. I am thankful to my grandmother for showing me the way. Leave it to that old lady to teach me through death. I love you Mawmaw!

You Are What You Wear

 

So I was thinking…yes, I realize that is a dangerous construct for me but I did it anyway. I was thinking about a song that India Arie sang, “I Am Not My Hair”. The premise of the song was very simple, but powerful. She sang about her process of “going natural”. For those of who are unfamiliar with what it means to ‘go natural’, it is a transitional period where many individuals who have used processing and chemicals to relax their hair and achieve a smooth, silky, European look, reverse the process and return their hair to its natural state. In essence, she was stating that she is far more than her hair. Her hair, and rather or not it is straightened, doesn’t define her success, character, or anything worthwhile. Unfortunately, too many people don’t understand this concept. I didn’t.

For a long time, I believed I had to straighten my hair to be accepted in the world. If my natural kinks and curls showed, I felt I wouldn’t be as successful as I could be. I was brainwashed. I was truly defined by my appearance. What I didn’t realize at the time was my hair didn’t really create definitions for me. I had allowed the world and its judgments and standards, to define me.

How many of you are guilty of the same thing? How many of you have allowed the world to define your standard of living? How many of you have taken on the beliefs of the world in a ‘go along to get along’ kind of fashion? Please understand I am not judging you. I am much like you. Fortunately though, I have come to understand that the world is a funny place. Values, morals, beliefs, standards of living and social norms are all situational. These concepts are defined by what society deems relevant to the time.

For example, in ancient days, men were measured by the amount of wives they could carry. Today, a man is penalized for the same value. I am, in no way, espousing to follow either. Rather, I am illustrating that as time “progresses” ideas do the same. So what that means for the people within this world is, if we allow the world to clothe us, we also allow the world to puppeteer us and control our actions.

When I woke up, literally and figuratively, I stopped being who the world wanted me to be. I stop wearing the masks of fear, doubt, strain and situational integrity. I am not finished. I am not perfect. However, I am awake. I realize that I am what I wear. Thus, if I want to be a change agent, I must wear those clothes. I cannot allow the world to shackle me in their garments. This does not mean that I am an entity onto myself either. I can and should surround myself with people who will uplift me and wear the same type of clothing that I bear. Change is inevitable but there is choice as to what change will occur.

What will you wear?

Truth Day

Today is the first day of my new life. I am certain I have said those words before. In fact, I said those very words about a month ago. But, I didn't really make significant changes and so, I lied to myself. I have actually gotten really good at lieing to myself. The trouble is, today is the first day that I admitted the lie.

So, today is the day that I will be totally honest with myself. Here goes nothing.....

My name is Brandy Williams and I am a habitual self- defeatist. Most people who believe they know me, would really scratch their heads about that title. In fact, several of them may wonder if I am being overly critical. Let me assure you all, I am not. Rather, I hide my defeatism very well.

How? I simply avoid tasks that I think I will fail. Likewise, I may deliberately do something that would cause the task to fail, hence giving me a "reason" to be ok with not meeting my goal. I KNOW I am not alone, but I decided to take this step so that I could change and hopefully help someone else to do the same. I don't know where this Blog is going to go. I don't know who will read my words and benefit from them. But what I know is, I had it on my heart to produce it, and so, here goes nothing. This is my journey in life. I wan to grow, learn, mature and be a better me.

This blog will service as my place for musings, challenges, successes and well, failures. Thank you for taking this time to grow with me and please, don't be shy about sending me messages. I want to hear about you too!