I started this Blog as a method of opening myself up to
scrutiny. I wasn't really doing it for other people, though; I figured some of
the information would spark conversations among others about themselves and me.
However, I wanted to really take a reflective look at who I am. What makes me
tick? Why do I do the things that I do? Irrationally, I thought I had all of
the answers. I thought I knew all about myself. Yea, right! Forgive my
frankness, but I didn't know shit! Well, what has come to pass is I have
learned more about myself now, than I ever knew. I have learned that I am still
learning- and subsequently, growing.
Recently, as many folks who know me knows, I lost my
grandmother. By recently, I mean last Thursday. It is hard. Really hard….But
there is a silver lining here. Now stop, before anyone decided to think
crazily. I am, in no way, happy about losing my Gmaw. I am heartbroken. Still,
I am happy about a realization that her passing led me to attain. Let me
explain...
Wednesday night, I was stressed out! I had two assignments
due that very night. I am a teacher, and grades needed to be posted. My son was
having trouble and I needed to work with him on his Math homework; and I still
had to do laundry, cook and clean my bathroom (it was really, really in need of
cleaning). In short, life happened. Well, Wednesday night was also my regularly
scheduled time to call my grandmother. We had weekly phone calls, just to check
in. I didn't make the phone call.
When Thursday came, I was a chaperon on an awesome field
trip. I was so excited that I left my phone- and other essentials- in my car.
You can get a sense of what happened next. Everyone in the history of my life was
trying to get a hold me. Ok, maybe this was an exaggeration, but you can get a
clearer picture of what was going on. My grandmother had passed.
Here it is, I like everyone else, believed that I could call
my grandmother on the next day. I had time. Family would be there. But the
trouble is this isn’t a true statement. In fact, it is not only an incorrect
statement, but it is an absurd statement to make. I won’t go into the whole, do
what you can do today speech. I will say this: don’t ever do what I did, and
make family an afterthought. Family is first, should forever be first, and
needs to be priority.
I will confess; I am a workaholic. I dive into work so that
I don’t have to face emotions. I dive into work so that family won’t bother me.
Today, I am no longer a workaholic. Today, I am a family member. For the first
time in my life, work, grades, homework, everything else is secondary to my
family. I am thankful to my grandmother for showing me the way. Leave it to
that old lady to teach me through death. I love you Mawmaw!
